Leadership and difficult conversations
How do you, as a leader, have a difficult conversation without shortchanging yourself or the other person? Many managers see dealing with resistance, conflict, and emotions as the most challenging part of their job. These are the conversations you know are sensitive. Maybe you have to address an employee's behavior, deliver bad news, or set boundaries. Whatever it is, one thing is certain: it's uncomfortable!
A truly good conversation is not just about the message but, above all, about whether you are truly present at that moment. As a manager and as a person. How do you stay sincere, clear, and human without shortchanging yourself, your message, or the other person?
Distance vs. Closeness
Many leaders struggle with the balance between involvement and professional distance. Getting too close can carry the risk that warm, collegial relationships stand in the way of effective leadership, while too much distance can make you come across as cold and calculating. The key is to show genuine involvement without losing your role as a leader.
This is where the concept of 'holding space' becomes relevant. Holding space means creating a safe and open environment where the other person feels heard and seen, without immediately steering, rescuing, or judging. As a leader, this requires you to be present without absorbing the other person's emotions or trying to 'fix' them. It is the art of listening without immediately offering a solution and allowing space for what emerges. This requires patience and trust—trust that the other person is allowed to go through their own process and that you don't need to hover over them to 'fix' it.
Control vs. Letting go
Managers (and also many normal people 😉) often have a strong need for control. Control provides stability: knowing how a conversation will unfold and maintaining a grip on the situation. But especially in conversations where emotions play a role, maintaining control is difficult. You cannot predict how someone will react, and that makes it nerve-wracking. Try to tolerate that uncertainty without the urge to soften or harden.
Letting go of control does not mean losing direction, but rather making space for a real conversation. At the same time, it's important to ensure that you don't take on all the other person's emotions and concerns yourself. The balance between taking care of the other and taking care of yourself is crucial here. After all, you are not a shower drain...
When you genuinely care about your people, it becomes easier—or at least feels more authentic—to have these kinds of conversations without resorting to bad-news conversation tricks. How does that work? As a parent, you are perfectly capable of setting boundaries for your child when they are about to go off track. And you do that without putting the relationship at risk. The reason is simple: love. Because you care about your child and want them to be okay. That's why you don't look away but intervene when necessary.
As a leader, this is no different. It may be a stretch to feel 'love' for your team members, but when you are genuinely involved, you don't feel the need to package your message as a technique. Such a conversation can even strengthen the relationship. The other person knows where they stand with you.
Providing space vs. Taking action & making agreements
Avoiding a conversation sometimes seems like the easiest solution. Yet, the problem often only grows if you don't address it directly. You may also recognize the tendency to soften the message, hoping to cushion the blow. But if you compromise too much on clarity, you ultimately leave the other person in uncertainty.
On the other hand, too much directness can make the message hit harder than necessary, causing someone to shut down. It's a fine line you are balancing: being honest without being harsh, staying engaged without being vague, or losing yourself in emotion.
At the end of the conversation, you want to be able to look forward together. Not to force a quick solution, but to provide direction.
- What does this mean for the future?
- What is the next step?
- How do you keep the connection intact while still initiating a change?
Having a difficult conversation is never easy, but it does provide clarity. It's a leadership skill that not everyone masters. A skill that allows you to show that leadership is not about avoiding or dominating but about being truly present. About letting honesty and humanity go hand in hand.
What do you recognize from your own experiences? Which conversations have shaped you as a leader?