Stop setting goals that undermine your self-worth

Every morning, the same routine. I wake up and my first thought is: I really need to work out today. Not because I want to, but because I must. Because it's been on my "New Year's resolutions" list for years. Until I was 45, it was mostly about having a nice, toned body. Now it's more about staying healthy and strong. But the pattern remains the same: most days I don't work out, and then I feel bad about myself. My goal undermines my self-worth. Fortunately, it can be different.

Setting goals is great—until they get in your way. Research shows that rigid and externally-driven goals often lead to more stress and feelings of failure than motivation and satisfaction. Especially if you link them to an ideal image that is no longer realistic. When success only counts if you reach the finish line, and not if you make progress along the way, you have the perfect recipe for frustration and self-criticism.

We tend to tie our self-worth to achievements. If you repeatedly fail to reach your goal, it undermines your self-image and motivation. What works better? Process-oriented goals. In other words, not the destination, but the journey. That gives a more positive feeling and a greater chance of persevering.

Self-compassion also plays a huge role. The harder you judge yourself for what doesn't work, the greater the stress and uncertainty. Meanwhile, people who are kinder to themselves tend to be more resilient and motivated. Flexibility in your goals helps you move forward more sustainably and with more enjoyment.

So, how do you break this cycle?

• Check your motivation – Do you really want this, or are you doing it because you think you should? Sometimes it's time to let go of old goals (or those annoying resolutions).
• Rephrase your goal – Not "I must work out," but "I want to move today in a way that feels good." That takes the pressure off and makes it more attainable.
• Small is also fine – Not only the big end goal matters. Every form of movement is a win. Maybe a short walk today is enough.
• Be kinder to yourself – Missing a goal doesn't make you a failure. Self-compassion helps you move forward in a healthy way.

I'm working on changing my relationship with exercise. From a "must" to a choice. Sometimes that means dancing in the living room or going for a walk with the dog instead of a workout. And funnily enough, now that I let go of the "must," I sometimes actually enjoy going to the gym.

It starts with letting go: letting go of the idea that my self-esteem depends on whether or not I do something. Because if a goal undermines your self-worth, it might be time to let it go—or at least give it a big makeover.