My son was around six years old when he, reluctantly, showed me his latest masterpiece. A drawing that looked like a tornado had hit a crayon factory. His face showing a mixture of emotions: anger, disappointment, frustration. “It’s terrible, I can’t draw!”

My parental instincts kicked in hard. “Terrible? Are you kidding? This is wonderful! Brilliant even! Like modern art, you’re ahead of your time!” I was laying it on thick, desperately trying to fix his disappointment with enthusiasm. He looked at me like I was mentally deranged. He knew I was full of shit.

What I should have said was: “I can see you’re disappointed with how it turned out. You wanted it to look different, didn’t you? That must be frustrating. I actually like it very much, but I understand it’s not what you were going for.” Or something along those lines.

Validation. Not inflation. Not dismissal. Just acknowledgment of his reality.

This moment taught me something crucial about leadership (or life for that matter) that research has been screaming at us for decades: validation is the foundation of psychological safety, resilience, and performance. Yet most of us suck at it.

The fact is: your team doesn’t need another pep talk. They need to feel seen and understood, especially when things go wrong. Research from Kristin Neff on self-compassion shows that when people feel validated in their struggles, they’re more likely to take risks, admit mistakes, and bounce back from failure. When we dismiss or inflate their concerns, we teach them to hide their real experiences. In leadership terms, this translates to teams that cover up problems, avoid difficult conversations, and burn out trying to maintain a facade of ‘happy ever after’ positivity.

The science of feeling heard

Neuroscientist Dan Siegel’s research reveals that when someone feels truly understood, their brain literally calms down. The amygdala stops firing stress signals, and the prefrontal cortex (responsible for creative problemsolving) comes back online. This isn’t touchy-feely stuff. It’s biology.

When a team member comes to you stressed about a project deadline, your first instinct might be to fix stuff or reassure. But validation comes first: “That sounds overwhelming. No wonder you’re feeling stressed about the timeline.” Only after they feel heard can their brain actually process solutions.

So what does validation look like in leadership?

Validation doesn’t mean you agree with someone. It’s not telling someone they’re right when they’re wrong, or that their feelings are always justified. It’s acknowledging their feelings and experiences as real and understandable.

Instead of: “Don’t worry about the presentation. You’ll do great!” Try: “I can see you’re nervous about presenting to the board. That makes complete sense, it’s a big moment.”

Instead of: “That client isn’t that difficult to work with, he’s just different.” Try: “It sounds like that client meeting left you feeling frustrated. Those conversations can be really draining.”

Instead of: “Failure is feedback!” Try: “That project not working out must be disappointing. You put a lot of effort into it.”

The difference? One dismisses their reality, the other acknowledges it while leaving room for growth.

Amy Edmondson’s research on psychological safety shows that teams perform best when members feel safe to express concerns, admit mistakes, and ask for help. Validation is the cornerstone of this safety. When you consistently validate your team’s experiences, both positive and negative, you create an environment where people can be honest about challenges without fear of judgment or dismissal.

This doesn’t mean coddling or avoiding difficult conversations. It means starting those conversations from a place of understanding rather than with the aim to fix things.

Step by step

1. Listen first, fix second. Resist the urge to fix stuff. Challenging, I know…
2. Acknowledge. “It sounds like…” or “I can see that…” helps people feel understood.
3. Normalize their experience. “That would be challenging for anyone” or “It makes sense you’d feel that way.”
4. Ask, don’t assume. “What would help you right now?”
5. Solve the problem together. Once they feel heard, collaborate on solutions.

The research is clear: leaders who master validation are more trusted, see higher engagement, better performance, and more innovative teams. Their people take more risk and recover faster from setbacks.

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Are you ready to develop a coaching leadership style? My 3-day Leadership DNA training program starts at the end of November. We dive deep into what drives you as a leader and learn to create trust and accountability in your own authentic way. Find more details here or check your company’s learning portal.