“Nice work,” says my manager, without looking up from his spreadsheet, in a tone that reminds me of the Terminator.
My brain kicks into overdrive: “Nice work with what?” “What’s he even talking about?” “Is he even talking to me?”
Quick glance around… nope, no one else. Never mind, I’ll let it go. A compliment’s a compliment, no need to overthink it. But does it make me feel warm inside? Not exactly.

Welcome to the world of appreciation. Where good intentions often crash and burn in vague compliments and awkward silences.

And that’s a shame. Because when done right, appreciation is one of the most powerful leadership skills out there. It builds trust, boosts motivation, and lets someone feel: you matter. But only if you mean it.

Let’s be honest: we all have a built-in BS detector. You can hear it right away when someone says something “because they have to.” Deadly. Real appreciation is sincere and personal. Not pre-written or rehearsed. It’s often the small moments that make the biggest difference. Someone who gave tough feedback. Stayed late to help a teammate. Held their tongue when that was the smartest choice. Not grand or dramatic. Just… valuable.

Simon Sinek compares it beautifully to love (look it up: Do you love your wife?). Love isn’t in the occasional grand gestures. It’s in the everyday attention, the small things. Appreciation works the same way. You build it. You nurture it.
A compliment once a month and nothing else? That doesn’t cut it in a relationship. And not at work either.

Here’s where it gets interesting: not everyone wants to be appreciated in the same way. Some light up when they’re called out in a crowded room. Others would rather sink into the floor. One person loves a handwritten note. Another is good with a quick “I saw what you did. Nicely done.”

If your style is to give someone a shoutout during a speech, and they get instant stage fright, your good intentions fall flat. Or you think a team lead wants constant praise, while they only value recognition when something’s truly finished. That’s a mismatch.

What helps? Just ask. Next one-on-one: “How do you like to be appreciated?” That’s not weird. That’s thoughtful. And chances are, the answers will surprise you. “I hate being put in the spotlight” comes up more often than you’d think.

Appreciation isn’t a task on your to-do list. It’s a relationship skill. Relationship researcher John Gottman found that stable relationships need about five positive interactions for every one negative one. Five! The ratio might be different at work, but the principle stands: you need to keep investing in a healthy balance. If appreciation becomes part of how you see, listen and connect, it becomes a habit. Not a trick, but a tone. It doesn’t have to be big, as long as it’s real.

And maybe start with yourself. How do you like to receive appreciation? Do you brush off compliments? Or do you let them land?
What truly moves you? What makes you feel like you matter? And how often do you give that feeling to others?