Was that constructive feedback, or did I just get completely torn to shreds? Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.

There’s that moment, usually right after the first sentence, when you just know: this isn’t going to be a compliment.
“Can I give you some feedback?”
“There’s something I’d like to share.”
“No offense, but…”

Your neck and shoulders tense up. Your brain flips into survival mode. Fight, flight, or smile politely while frozen in place. “Of course, I’m always open to feedback.” “Feedback is a gift.” Fine. But it’s the kind of gift where you’re not sure whether to unwrap it or just smile politely and throw it straight in the bin. Sometimes it’s a box of wisdom. Sometimes it’s a passive-aggressive brick with a bow on it.

Why does criticism… sorry, feedback… hit us so hard (even when it’s well-meant)? Because it often reflects our own beliefs and insecurities. “See? I’m not good enough.” Or some other version that sounds true to you. It hits us even when it’s wrapped in kindness. Even when we know there’s something useful in it.

So what do we do? We shut down. We get defensive. Or we turn it inward and spend the rest of the day wondering if we’re just fundamentally broken. Criticism is no quick bite—it’s chewy stuff, and you keep chewing on it. Like badly cooked stew meat.

So how do you take in feedback or criticism without betraying yourself in the process? There’s no magic trick to make it painless. But there is a way to survive it without falling apart:

Ask yourself: Is this about who I am, or what I did?

Not: “I’m useless.”
But: “There was something in my approach that didn’t work for that person.”

That’s a world of difference.

And you don’t have to agree with it. Sometimes criticism is a mirror. Sometimes a magnifying glass. And sometimes it’s just someone dumping their own frustration on you. Listening is always a good idea, but it’s also fine to think: nice try, but I’ll pass on this one.

What if it is about you? Sometimes someone goes straight for the person, not the behaviour.
Not: “That approach isn’t effective.”
But: “You’re difficult/unprofessional/a nightmare.”
Yeah, that stings. And that’s okay. But ask yourself one question: is this really about me—or about them? Frustration, jealousy, social clumsiness… they all play a role. You don’t have to carry everything you’re handed. Toss it and move on. And if it does stick—if something about it hits a nerve because it’s kind of true… Then maybe it is a gift. Ugly wrapping, but still spot on.

Then what? Just breathe. Don’t fire back immediately. It’s totally okay to say: “Let me think about that.” You don’t have to promise anything. And once you’re alone (your luxury 3 minutes of peace and quiet in the bathroom), take a second to feel what it did to you. Not to brush it off, but to find your way back to yourself.

Call it feedback, call it constructive criticism, we all get it.
The better you get, the more of it comes your way.
Not because you’re falling short, but because you’re visible.

Tall trees catch more wind. That’s just how it works.

And the tree?
It grows by learning—especially from mistakes and feedback.
So think of feedback as a seed.
It doesn’t look like much, but if you don’t crush or ignore it, it might grow into something good.